I was once asked: “Isn’t it disingenuous for a Christian to develop a friendship with someone if there is an ulterior motive of leading them to Christ?”
The suggestion being made was that the value of the person and the friendship itself should be the driving force. Any ulterior motive for the friendship necessarily subverts and devalues both the friendship and the person being befriended.
At the time I was asked this question I wasn’t sure about what I thought, but thought that it was an interesting point being made.
As I’ve thought about it over the years though, I’ve come to the conclusion that the point being made is a red herring. Here’s why:
People do not have what might be called “intrinsic” value, actually no created thing or entity has intrinsic value. People have value that is conferred value. It is a value that is conferred on them due to the fact they are made in the image and likeness of God. This is what fundamentally drives a desire to appreciate, understand and get to know other people; we actually see something of the nature and character of God which attracts us to them or piques our interest in getting to know them as friends.
But there is a problem: this value, which has its origin in our invaluable God, has been marred by sin. And any and all relationships I might build with other people, any friendships I may pursue, are actually marred by this same sin. They can never know me rightly and I can never know them rightly due to the infection of sin. It is as if a great cancer has ravaged each of us so that we do not see who we actually are, but only the husk of what we were. The effort then is to remove and kill the cancer so that life in its fullness and relationship in its fullness can be restored and enjoyed.
If, in any friendship, we are trying to pursue the knowing of a person, it seems reasonable that we would want to remove all barriers in getting to know them and in our appreciating and understanding them.
This is quintessentially demonstrated in marital relationships where there must be no “fig leaf” of separation if the married couple hopes to develop a lasting, fulfilling, honest, beautiful relationship over their lifetime together. The couple must both be getting know Christ better and better and be expressing this knowledge of Christ more and more in order for this to occur. As Christ is pursued more and more, as He is glorified in the marriage, the relationship becomes deeper, richer and truer. Back to friendship.
If I am going to cultivate a friendship with anyone that gets better, that improves; becoming more open, honest, loving, giving, etc., it only stands to reason that it is essential to the dignity of the person and the friendship that I, as a follower of Christ, be in the friendship with an ulterior motive, actually a primary motive, i.e. that they may come to know Christ. That is my purpose. Why? Because this is what serves the friendship best. This is what preserves and improves the friendship best. This is what recognizes and appreciates the dignity and value God has placed in the person most vigorously.
In fact, the relationship cannot progress beyond the level of pleasantries if Christ is not the goal. It is the image of God which is under restoration in this other person and in me, therefore to pursue a friendship absent Christ would actually be a disservice, a dishonoring of the conferred value which God has bestowed on both me and this person.
Would I wish to see this dignity, image and value ever fully restored and redeemed? Would I wish to fully experience who this person is in all their conferred God-like-ness? Would I wish to know them as God has meant for me to know them and visa-versa? Then I cannot enter into any relationship where this pointing them, leading them, introducing them to Christ is not the goal. Anything less, and this relationship can only become a sin-marred perversion of what it was meant to be. Dishonoring to them, to me and to the God who lives in perfect triune relationship with Father, Son and Spirit. Rich, beautiful, joyful and good.
The purpose of friendship then?making sure that Christ stays at the center; that He remains the primary motive. Once we have come to know the truest friend, we will then be released to be a true friend.
January 1, 2014 at 10:46 am
Thank you for your insight Andy! I was just wondering about this in my talk with God this morning. I live in the inner city of Philly and it’s been a challenge to befriend people beyond pleasantries without getting into a seriously sticky mess. Many of the people I come into close proximity with have had years of drug use in their lives. A simple act of kindness leads to suspicions of grand proportion. It’s frustrated me so much. I begin to think maybe I should just keep to myself….not an option…just isn’t who God made me! Thanks for shedding some light on this subject for me. Any suggestions for me as to how I can begin to practice this in my life would be greatly appreciated. I tend to make things complicated! Carrie Lovett
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October 12, 2015 at 4:36 pm
I actually had a great struggle with this years ago. I was passionately in love with Jesus and had most of my innocence still in tact. I knew that Jesus is Love and I was called to love people. I am a people person by design. Growing up in a Christian home I wasn’t sheltered by any means. I had gotten myself into trouble that could have led down very bad roads but, I had a good foundation to fall back on. I went to work in a restaurant which if you know anything about can have all types of lifestyles. I worked with drug addicts, alcoholics, and gay and lesbians. I developed good friendships with many of them and saw them as great people that I just happened to disagree with. My greatest struggle was that we believed such different things and I struggled connecting with some of them because I knew the two worlds we believed in collided. It wasn’t until the past few years that I came to a profound revelation. You may agree or disagree but it is slightly different than your post.
This is my opinion, and it’s that, Jesus came with one motive and that is Love. I don’t personally believe that Jesus came to convert people but to love people. Hidden agendas are what kills movements. In your spirit you can tell when someone is lying to you because something isn’t right. Jesus went to the woman at the well and didn’t say let me tell you about why you should follow me. He told her about her current situation which she was obviously secretly ashamed of and then revealed her destiny. He gave her hope for change and it was that encounter with love that changed her heart and her mind. When we are motivated by love then transformation will ensue. No one trusts a car salesman because they are motivated by results and a paycheck. The relationship ends the moment they have your money or you reject their offer. It’s the same sense when you are dealing with a Christian being your friend because it’s the “Christian” thing to do. It personally gave me freedom in my heart to befriend anyone and everyone solely because I see them through the eyes of Jesus, the eyes of love and not because I have an agenda. It is a great post and touches on a good subject that many people will have answers for. I’m not saying my way is perfection but it’s my revelation of who Jesus is.
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